November 2008
2 posts
New boss
I have a new boss. Well, technically he’s my boss’s boss’s boss. It would have been nice if I didn’t have to find out by reading engadget early this morning, but that is how it goes sometimes.
Vote
Tomorrow is election day, so get out there and vote motherfuckers. Vote it up real good. I plan on hitting the voting booth so hard my vote counts twice. I plan on voting so hard John McCain breaks a fucking hip.
October 2008
8 posts
An abortion of logic
This weekend I did my due diligence as a voter and read through the California Voter Information Guide to research the propositions. Everything was making perfect sense until I got to the arguments for Prop 4.
Proposition 4 is a proposed constitutional amendment “prohibiting abortion for unemancipated minor until 48 hours after physician notifies minor’s parent, legal guardian, or in...
Bullshit
The thing I hate most about watching football is the commercials. While it shouldn’t come as a surprise, the ads are targeted at a very specific market segment: beer, trucks, and financial institutions. (The later being unintentionally hilarious given an economy that is in the process of shitting itself). As a result I see the same commercials over and over again, giving me plenty of time...
Balls
You have to admit: Apple’s marketing folks have giant balls. These are not your grandpa’s balls. These are humongous orbs carved from single blocks of aluminum which, although quite large, are the lightest balls we ever made.
Apple has balls to launch a nation-wide ad campaign taking Microsoft to task for spending too much money on their own ad campaign. Granted, Apple makes a...
Is this American enough?
Apparently vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin believes that some parts of the country are just more ‘merican that the rest, gosh darnit. Unfortunately for Mrs. “I can see Russia in my pants” Palin they still let us less ‘merican folks vote, and come election day I plan on telling that dumbass to please go fuck herself. Dontchaknow.
PoopDoctor.app
I’m trying to wrangle some VC funding for an iPhone application I want to write, but I am having difficulty. I’m hoping someone out there will read this and help me out, because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Here is the basic idea: have you ever taken a crap that, upon further inspection, didn’t look quite right? If you are like me you never know what to do in this...
Where is my credit card?
I hate watching TV at night. All the commercials are either for DVDs of wild college girls getting drunk and naked or penis enlargement pills. It seems the network believes the target demographic consists of old pathetic horny guys with tiny dicks. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
I am not that old.
Loophole
From CNN.com:
Fannie Mae said it will set aside the loan of a woman who shot herself as sheriff’s deputies tried to evict her from her foreclosed home.
This is a really bad precedent to set.
Oops
In case you missed it, today was a completely bizarre day for Google’s stock. Right at the closing bell the stock dropped 60 points for no apparent reason. We were trying to figure out if there was some kind of disaster at the Google campus, like running out of Kobe beef at the cafeteria. But as it turns out someone simply fucked up.
This is great news. I’m now waiting for Nasdaq...
September 2008
10 posts
Legacy
My Mom recently had to do a very difficult thing - she had to clean out her parent’s house. My grandfather is in a nursing home due to his dementia, and my grandmother passed away a few years ago. It is surreal to see someones life reduced to a pile of possessions.
One of the most interesting things she found was a number of journals my grandfather kept. These were those little day...
Sold! To the short Italian guy in the back
A cute 22-year old student is auctioning off her virginity in order to pay her college tuition.
Looks like its time to sell some stock.
Critical mistake
Ryan and I were leaving IL1 today after a meeting when I made a most critical mistake. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw Steve Jobs having a casual chat with Scott Forstall. Without thinking I turned my head in that direction. And that is when it happened.
I made eye contact with Steve Jobs.
I fully expect my badge to stop working tomorrow morning.
Nano-chromatic
I might be slightly biased, but once you touch this new iPod you will want to buy it. I can say without reservations that this is the one of the best iPods we have ever made, both in terms of hardware and software. I can’t stop playing with it, and by all rights I should be fucking sick of looking at this thing. It was another long summer but it was well worth it.
I worked on the Genius...
Jack Johnson
Ryan just turned to me and asked “who the shit is this guy?”. Awesome.
Steve is not dead!
We are not worthy, but only say the word and I shall be healed.
Awaiting the Messiah
We are seated. No sign of Fearless Leader yet. We are looking for Kevin Rose so we can kick his ass later.
Waiting
Ryan, Eric and I are waiting outside of Yerba Buena. I think Ryan just pissed his pants in excitement.
On the train
You read it here first - I am on the train heading into the city. You won’t find coverage like this on engadget folks.
So far all the rumors I read on the caltrain website were true. The next stop after Mountain View _is_ Palo Alto. Amazing.
Going to Mecca
You might have heard that Apple is hosting a special media event tomorrow. I will be attending said event, basking in the full radiance of the Reality Distortion Field. It is going to be awesome. Or rather, Steve is going to tell me it was awesome. And I will believe it.
I will try to blog from the event tomorrow, so stay tuned.
August 2008
3 posts
A UI Engineer walks into a bar
I’ve been thinking a lot about interfaces lately, and how they affect my daily life.
For instance, Laura prefers that I interact with her using a Voice Recognition interface. Some people refer to this as “conversation”. I find this interface to be awkward and cumbersome.
I much prefer to use a Multi-Touch interface.
Update: Firefox can eat two dicks
The post I made last night was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. I really didn’t expect Firefox to read my mind - I was just mad at myself for making a boneheaded mistake.
I was just talking to Ryan about my mishap when he pointed out a useful feature in Safari. Intrieged, I decided to run a little experiment, which you will all play a part in. I am currently entering this blog post with...
Firefox can eat a dick
I was in the middle of writing a rather long blog post when I accidentally closed the tab in Firefox. Without even the slightest hint of hesitation Firefox did exactly what I told it to do and it closed the tab, taking my blog post with it.
What a piece of shit.
Under normal browsing circumstances I would quickly grow impatient if the application warned me everytime I closed a tab. But this...
July 2008
1 post
With apologies to JBQ
Coworker: I love software engineering
Me: Then everyday must be like a vacation for you
Coworker: Vacation? What's that?
Me: Something Google and Yahoo employees get to do
Coworker: Google employees only work four days a week anyways
June 2008
1 post
Danger!
If you are a programmer, you already know that your job is rife with danger. Thankfully, there are plenty of other wise programmers out looking out for you, writing articles about how dangerous various language features are. These programmers clearly know better than you do, and it would be smart of you to heed their advice without thinking for yourself.
For instance, everyone knows manual...
May 2008
2 posts
Stop flirting with the coffee girl
You. Yes you. Douchebag at the front of the line. Please stop flirting with the coffee girl. Maybe no one gave you the memo, but independent coffee shop employees are by rule cooler than most other human beings - second only to independent record store employees who might as well be from another planet. This is a fact of life. You sir are not cool. Do you see the line that has formed behind...
Pedant
Laura and I visited one of those quaint old fashion brick-and-mortar book stores this weekend. While I was there I remembered there was a certain cookbook I’ve been looking for. I saw the book somewhere and made a note about it on my trusty iPhone. The cookbook section at Barnes and Noble is fucking huge and apparently organized by retarded sea monkeys. I was able to reduce the...
April 2008
6 posts
Time to take action
This time they have gone too far. I was watching television a couple of nights ago and I saw the most horrifying commercial. We are watching people eat in what appears to be a fancy Italian restaurant, all the while peeing their pants over the delicious pasta dishes. The head chef walks out of the kitchen and makes an announcement: he didn’t cook the delicious pasta. Pizza Hut delivered...
Templatized parameters
I haven’t blogged in a bit, and I realize that makes you cry. Please stop crying. I don’t ever want to see you cry again, and I think I have a solution. I have designed a representative template blog post. All you need to do is fill in a few blanks and you have a brand new post from yours truly. Thinks Mad Libs, but not retarded. Here is the template: Hey, did you hear about...
Deep impact
I went to the dentist tonight for a deep cleaning. For those not in the know, deep cleaning is when the dentist numbs your mouth and then starts digging around under your gums to clean out all the really nasty crap. The best part is when the novacaine wore off halfway through the procedure. I have never come so close to punching a woman in the face before. I had to eat soup for dinner. And...
Chinese democracy
The Olympic torch is coming to San Francisco and the city is gearing up for the onslaught of human rights protesters. While I certainly don’t support the oppression of human rights (unless I am personally doing the oppressing) I find this method of protest downright silly. First of all, the Olympic torch as a symbol is only tangentially related to the human rights violations in China. ...
Where are we going and why am I in this...
Before I begin writing this, I want to say that I believe autism is a very serious disorder and I have nothing but respect and admiration for parents of autistic children. You know things are going downhill when I have to open the post like that. Jenny McCarthy claims her son has recovered from autism as a result of “a gluten-free, casein-free diet, vitamin supplementation, detox of...
Fools
April 1st can be a trying day, as the normally well-lubricated internet tubes become clogged with bad attempts at April Fool’s jokes. Reading online news on April 1st during a Bush administration can be exceptionally frustrating - you can never tell what is jest and what is painfully real. But every year one website manages to pull of an exceptional April Fool’s joke that makes up...
March 2008
3 posts
Yum
I sometimes feel a little left out because my dietary practices do not come with a hip label. In fact, it seems like all of the really cool sounding labels are all used up by the vegetarian kids. I think this is a little discriminatory. Just because I occasionally feast on the flesh of formerly living things I can’t brand my lifestyle with a presumptuous label? Bullshit, I say. Bullshit...
A whore education
At lunch today a co-worker and I had the following conversation: Other guy: I can’t believe the media is making such a big deal about the Elliot Spitzer thing. Why should his private life be under scrutiny? Me: Um … prostitution is illegal. Other guy: In which states? Me: Pretty much all of them. Apparently there are a lot of people who are unsure about the legality of prostitution...
Weekend recap
Laura and I went to Sonoma this weekend to do a little wine tasting. We tried to go to wine country a few weeks ago when Laura’s mom was in town, but we blew a tire in San Rafael and spent the day at Sears instead. We tried to make the best of it but we couldn’t find any wine in Sears - not even in jug form. Instead we watched NASCAR in the automotive center waiting room. Thrilling...
February 2008
11 posts
Untitled
Want to know how to freak out an iPod software engineer? Put out an album with a song titled “Untitled”. Thanks fuckers.
Princesses everywhere
I am utterly surrounded by princesses. We are in the bitterly cold state of Minnesota visiting friends. This might sound familiar to some of you, as I have mentioned these friends before. Lily is now three years old and she has a little brother baking in the proverbial oven. I often find myself blindsided by how fucking adorable that little girl is. She has me wrapped around her finger - if...
Crazy Internet Fucker Award #1
I think we all agree that the internet is a super fabulous place, but its not all Viagra and clown porn. No, the internet has a down side. Any asshole can post something on the internet, and that low barrier to entry practicaly begs for the crazy rantings of insane fuckers. And trust me - there are lots of insane fuckers out of there. To celebrate these unsung heroes of the internet, I have...
I am the new King of Kong!
In my last post I mentioned the documentary King of Kong, which I finally watched last night. This movie has officially changed my life. I have decided to quit my job and become the next Donkey Kong world champion. I figure it can’t be that hard since I’ve been playing video games most of my life. Jump over a few barrels, avoid some fireballs, rescue the girl. Easy. Maybe I...
Killing me softly
I just pushed King of Kong onto my Neflix queue and I am strangely excited to see this movie. The world of competitive arcade gaming both horrifies and intrigues me. As a programmer the part that intrigues me the most is the concept of “kill screens”. Fundamentally a kill screen is a special type of bug in a video game. To qualify as a kill screen the bug has to meet a couple of...
Open letter to Amy Winehouse
Dear Miss Winehouse, Please eat a fucking sandwich. I know you have McDonald’s in London so there are ample calories available. Get your freaky ass in a car and make a beeline towards the nearest drive-through or round-a-bout or whatever the hell you people call it. Actually, given your permanent trainwreck state its probably best you have someone else drive. And for the love of all...
Heart-shaped box
Love is in the air! Valentine’s day is right around the corner, much to the delight of the candy, greeting card, and personal lubricant companies. This year I am need of advice from the wise bodiless spectres of the internet tubes (that’s you). I am trying to decide on the perfect romantic gift for Laura, and I could sure use some help. I’ve narrowed the field down to two...
Go team democracy!
I, like many other freedom loving Americans, voted tonight. If you are an American who didn’t vote, that makes you a communist. And that is bad luck for you, because every time an American votes a bald eagle kicks a communist in the nuts. Tonight I discovered yet another reason why I like the Democratic party. I am not registered with any political party - I check the “Fuck off you...
My talent
A few of coworkers and I were hanging out at the Cupertino BJ’s tonight after work. I had a pretty rotten week - as you might gather from my last post - and I needed a beer. At some point the conversation veered off into pop music, and from there it somehow ended up with Tiffany (I assure you there are no Tiffany songs on my iPod). At that point somebody mentioned that Tiffany had posed...
Misplaced intentions
One of the things I like about working with C++ is that I learn something new every day. The language has some dark corners and thorny features that you might not run into under normal circumstances. Today I learned all about placement new while tracking down a nasty memory leak. Which leads me to today’s tip of the day: If you choice to use an esoteric language feature in order to...
January 2008
4 posts
I am in your iPod, deleting your rentals
Mom: So explain this new rentals thing to me. I don't get it, do I burn something onto my iTunes?
Me: What? No, you download a digital movie and you can watch it on your computer or your new iPod.
Mom: And then after I watch it what do I do with it?
Me: You don't do anything. After 30 days it gets deleted.
Mom: Deleted?! Why?! I bought it!
Me: Its a rental. You rented the movie.
Mom: But I have 30 days to watch it.
Me: Yes. Well, you have 30 days to start watching it. Then you have 24 hours to finish watching it.
Mom: What happens after 24 hours?
Me: The rental is deleted from your iPod.
Mom: What?! But its my iPod! Who deletes it?
Me: Well, technically I delete it. I wrote that code.
Mom: You?! But I am your mother! Can't you do something special for me?
Me: Um ...
Mom: So you are telling me if I don't finish watching the movie within 24 hours you come into my house and delete it from my iPod?
Me: That's not really how it works. I don't climb through your window wearing a ski mask.
Mom: I carried you for nine months and you repay me by deleting my movies? Is this what you learned in college? They actually pay you for this?
Me: I cherish these phone calls. I really do.
Election erections
Fuck I hate election years. I am afraid to say that aloud for fear of George W busting through my window SWAT-style and kicking my commie ass, but I can’t keep it in any more. I wish I had a witty analogy to describe why I hate the election process. Let me see what I can do: The election is like going to a bar filled with incredibly hot women. These women spend the entire night trying to...