Stop flirting with the coffee girl
You. Yes you. Douchebag at the front of the line. Please stop flirting with the coffee girl. Maybe no one gave you the memo, but independent coffee shop employees are by rule cooler than most other human beings - second only to independent record store employees who might as well be from another planet. This is a fact of life.
You sir are not cool.
Do you see the line that has formed behind you? Take a good look. These are people who are operating without their first cup of coffee. These are irritable grouchy people. This is not a group to fuck with. You are three seconds away from having your limbs torn off.
Yes, miss tattoos-and-pigtails remembered your name. All of us in line behind you are duly impressed. But you must understand: this does not indicate she wants to have sex with you. She has not been thinking about you since the last time you bought coffee. Your name is John. She probably got lucky.
You probably believe strippers really dig you as well. You make me sad.
Seriously, I just want my motherfucking coffee. Without coffee I can’t make iPods. Every minute I stand here while you fruitlessly hit on coffee girl means some spoiled teenager goes without an iPod. Do you really want to be responsible for that? Can you feel my eyes burning into the back of your skull?
I want to stab you with a meat hook.
All I want is a large coffee to go. The cups are right there behind the counter and the coffee is self serve. I have the two bucks locked and loaded. If you could stop your usless flirting for 10 seconds I can buy my coffee and be on my way. Hell, I’ll give you an extra dollar to buy a condom for the hot coffee girl sex which is undeniably in your future.
Don’t think I won’t murder you for coffee. I will so murder you. Then I will step over your dead body and pour myself some coffee. Once the caffeine kicks in I can properly deal with hiding your corpse.
The coffee girl will not miss you.
